timesofindia.indiatimes.com | TNN | Mar 22, 2017, 05.17 PM IST

Question: I am married since 2 years and I was in a relationship with my wife 3 years before marriage. I always felt that I just could not have chosen a better partner than my wife! I admired her in every aspect until recently. She is very close to a female, she calls her best friend. They share everything and talk a lot. Her friend is still not married and lost her mother a year back. Ever since the personal tragedy, she drops by our house on weekends and many other occasions. Recently, my wife told me that her friend wants to join us for a sex session and my wife is okay with it. I just could not believe my ears. At first, I told her it’s completely immoral and I won’t be a part of it, though later I got tempted and thought I might as well agree if my wife is okay with it. Few days later, all three of us had some alcohol and my wife, along with her friend started making advances at me, and I finally had sex with them. I could not face my wife next morning, feeling the guilt, but she was behaving perfectly n
ormal as if nothing had happened. I could not stop thinking about night, and my wife and her friend are already looking forward to the next threesome. I know this is immoral and am very afraid of the society. Please advise me if I can continue with such a weird arrangement? -Anonymous

Answer by Zankhana Joshi: A threesome is a common fantasy and has an appeal for both being sexy and alluring, yet dangerous and forbidden. Our society views intimacy between two partners as normal and traditional, and a threesome as not part of a healthy, long-term relationship. Threesome can also be a social taboo, as people in happy and healthy relationships don’t want to have casual sex outside their marriage. These core beliefs lead to confusions and conflict, and it is great that you are seeking clarity for it.

Usually, it is difficult and awkward to add a plus one to your sexual relationship. From what you shared, it is possible that your wife’s best friend is still grieving from her personal tragedy and has not dealt with it fully. People are known to use sex as an escape from their grief, as it is one of few activities with inherent power to offset the terrible pain of loss. Sex in reality is more of a distraction from grief, a momentary pleasure. Maybe she feels sexually drawn to your wife as she feels extremely supported and connected to her, while your wife maybe drawn to her vulnerability.

People usually want a threesome as it fulfills a desire to have sex with someone else but not to be unfaithful. A threesome also brings something new to sex life and makes it adventurous and exciting. Threesomes present a way for women and men to be wanted by more than one person, which can significantly boost one’s self-esteem. Your wife maybe trying to be present and available for her friends need in this case. Reflect on what is really at the core for your relationship to explore the threesome.

A threesome is often kept in the fantasy bank and not acted on, due to the threat of losing the primary relationship with the spouse. Discuss with your wife the reasons for wanting it in the first place, and be aware about the potential emotional pitfalls and hurts that can be detrimental to your relationships.

Experimenting with a threesome can only make a relationship difficulty worse, as it brings with it feelings of jealousy and doubts about your own attractiveness and sexuality. Spouses feel inadequate, not good enough to arouse or satisfy their partner – leading to feelings of inferiority. If your intimacy has become routine and boring, there are other ways to bring in excitement, do not rush to change your life so dramatically. The problem with threesome is that once you see our partner enjoying sex with someone else, you can’t unsee it. And it makes your relationship vulnerable to a potential desire for the third person, which could be detrimental to your relationship. And in your case, bring embarrassment and confusion in your friendship with the best friend too.

A threesome can work between partners who really know themselves well, but it requires openness and a willingness to retreat if one of you’ll needs to. While it can be a fun and adventurous sexual experiment, I am not sure it can replace true intimacy between you and your wife. It is really up to the two of you to choose between a long lasting marriage or a temporary sexual escapade!!

– Zankhana Joshi is a practicing counselling psychologist in Mumbai.